Saucy Salsera

What would make you happy? Ramblings.

2008-09-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm in the inquirky of "Why do I want a boyfriend and would that make me happy?" My gut reaction is that it would make me happy to have a companion who I can just assume that I'll spend much of my time with taking care of each other, loving him, playing and laughing with him. Also, I do want to have a life-long partnership (get married) where passion, intimacy, love, fun and play are present as we create and live out our wildest dreams together. Having a boyfriend seems like it would be on the pathway to creating a life-long partnership, so I guess that answers my question of why. :)

What's a wild dream of mine? I have a bunch. I'd love to travel and salsa around the world. Another dream of mine is to be a PAX leader and lead weekend workshops that empowers women around their relationships with men so that men experience being celebrated and women experience being satisfied. Honestly, the first dream occurs like a pipe dream to me. I have no idea how that would happen for me. Actually, that's a lie. I'm really just not committed to it. Well, at least, not committed to having it on my own. It's a dream I really want to have come true in the context of a relationship. The second dream, well, I know I can make that a reality. I just have to work out a bunch of details and circumstances, and I'm doing just that in my life.

I also have a dream of getting my phD in psychology. How committed am I to that? Not so much.

Since I'm looking at commitment, I should honestly look at how committed I am about having a boyfriend. If I truly was about having a boyfriend, I'd have one. I think I'm more into the process of looking for a boyfriend than having one. I also see that I have been in the process of learning to accept people in the roles they want to play in my life. I've rejected a good number of guys who've wanted to be my boyfriend, and pursued a bunch of men who weren't interested or truly committed to that role. Why? I don't know. I just don't know, and well, what's there for me is that it really doesn't matter to me right now to figure out why. It's just great that I noticed it.

What is it that I truly want that I think a relationship can provide? Wow. I've never asked that question to myself. I've always wanted to experience a love where I'm completely accepted as I am.... to have a guy genuinely say to me, "I just think you're just perfect for me, and I want to be around you as much as you'll let me be." And when I have my doubts about myself and my abilities, he'd look at me and say to me, "I get that you don't feel like you're beautiful, smart, talented, witty and fun, but you are to me. I want you to get that. You are to me." Also, I love having the experience of acknowledging the contribution he is in my life... how with him, my life is happy and expansive and people get the best of out of me because he's in my life supporting me and loving me.

I can see that I really don't need a boyfriend to have all that in my life. I have relationships that provide me all those things without the title of boyfriend...

I do though want a date to my friend's wedding and my prom. I should start creating that now!

BTW, you might want to know that you are psychologically designed to be happy no matter if you get or don't get the thing that you want for yourself and your life. At least, that's what this guy says. http://www.tinyurl.com/6f4rlp. Pretty cool.

I'm back... really back.

2008-09-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hola. So, it's been over a year since I've written here. I wrote the last entry right before I left for the Phillippines, and alot has happened since then. Much was unexpected and in all the chaos I was experiencing, writing in this journal was just not a priority.

Long story short. I went to the Phillippines with my boyfriend and his family, broke up with him while I was over there, went home, lost a job, moved home, went into seclusion for a bit, and I've been rebuilding my life from the ground up ever since.

What's so right now? I have an incredibly wonderful network of family and friends who are very loving and supportive. I've rekindled my passion for salsa and dance at least 2-3 times a week. What's most important that is happening now is that I'm getting in touch with my dreams and exploring again.

I'm really engaged in my life, and I have the experience of living it out fully and powerfully. I'm part of some wonderful communities of people. It's not all perfect and there are upsets, but I'm able to be with it all. I am actively communicating whatever is there for me to say, and in that process, incidents get complete and new futures get created.

I'm back... really back.. in full force, but with a easy gentleness about it... well, easy sometimes. :)

My mother always told me I was like a tree. Of course, that was her way of telling me that I needed to drink more water as plants need water in order to grow. But, when I take her words to heart, I can see great value in being like a tree. I can see that underneath what you see above ground is a wonderful, amazing network of roots that reach out, patiently penetrating through rock and soil to seek out resources and expand.

So, be like a tree. Dig deep and reach for the sky.

I'm going to the Philippines!

2007-07-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I bought my tickets. This is my first real vacation of my adult life! Three weeks in the Philippines Islands. I'll be going with my boyfriend, Elrik, and we'll be meeting members of his family a couple of days later. It's going to be an adventure! I'm looking forward to this.